Emergency Exit Only

Usually you see them at the door, big muscles and dark shades, deciding who can come in to the party and who can't. They must be very good at this, because you hardly ever see them change their minds later on. Only once have I seen a bouncer actually bounce.

We were in a sports bar in Bloomington, Indiana, where we had gone to see the Indiana-Kentucky game (not only was it an away game, but we were too broke to buy tickets or travel). Indiana won, so we all had happy faces as we turned to go home. This wasn't enough for one fan, however. In a beer-strengthened fit of celebration, he grabbed one of the hefty bar tables and flipped it on its side. Just like that, a bouncer came up behind him, took him by belt and collar, and extruded him out the nearest door. This was an emergency exit, so there was no handle on the other side to let the guy back in. I'm sure the expulsion took less than a second, total. When a bouncer gets a real chance to bounce, it's a sight to behold.

Lutherans are the reason that heaven has bouncers. The Baptists will never have a little too much to drink and the Episcopalians will never use their shrimp forks to pick up a piece of cheese that fell on the floor. But you gotta worry about those Lutherans.

The only way a Lutheran will get into this party is on a pass. What's more, the honest Lutherans know they're getting in on a pass. Sola Gratia.

Jesus says, "Aw, Dad; can't they come to the party? They're my friends. I promise they won't break anything."

And so Our Father decided to let even the Lutherans into heaven. But then He hired bouncers.

Coming Down

As Moses came down from the mountaintop, he heard the people of Israel singing. This was good. The tune, St. Catherine, was one he liked, though he still found it difficult to tap toe while carrying two large stone tablets.

(In a weird bit of coincidence, the monastery founded on that spot several centuries later is named St. Catherine's.)

The trouble started when he rounded the corner and noticed not a well ordered worship space with congregants standing in neat pew-like rows, but dancing (and not the liturgical dance kind either) around an enormous golden calf.

He soon regretted his decision to listen to the words of their hymn:

Cow of our fathers (Holy Cow!)
We will be true to you - for now.

Incurvatus

This pair of sins, Pride and False Humility, have this in common: that both are turned in on the self, and hence make a god out of the self.

Pride looks at the gifts of God found within and observes, "My power and the might of my own hand have gotten me this." (Deuteronomy 8:17)

False Humility looks at the same and observes, "'I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground.'" (Matthew 25:25)

The only option for the faithful is to turn outward. True Humility takes what God has given and moves it outside of the self.

Even in this

"Do not squander your afflictions."
--Fred Jordan

"Thank God for trials."
--Dan Deardoff

I'm pretty sure neither of these people I quoted were original to these ideas, but they are my source, anyway. So I thank God for them.

The Tree of Knowing Better

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other wild animal that the LORD God had made. Not that it needed to be.

So that when the woman saw that the fruit looked good and smelled delicious; and that it was trans-fat and cholesterol free; and she was convinced that by eating of it she would not violate The Commandment, that is, "As Long As You Are Not Hurting Anyone Else;" and when she perceived that God, when He said no, was messing with her freedom and imposing His idea of morality on her when He couldn't possibly know what it was like to be her; and anyway God always loves us the way we are (He created us with curiosity and desire and never makes mistakes) and will always forgive us no matter what; when she saw that she had to do what she felt was best for her and her family; and what was the big deal anyway -

in short, when she could no longer think of any reason not to -

she took of the fruit and ate.

She also gave some to her husband, who apparently needed even less convincing than she did. In the space of half a verse, he ate too.

And so they became as God. If you believe the advertising.

And for August; Zen Lutheran of the Month

"When people stop believing in God, they don't believe in nothing -- they believe in anything."
--G. K. Chesterton