Emergency Exit Only

Usually you see them at the door, big muscles and dark shades, deciding who can come in to the party and who can't. They must be very good at this, because you hardly ever see them change their minds later on. Only once have I seen a bouncer actually bounce.

We were in a sports bar in Bloomington, Indiana, where we had gone to see the Indiana-Kentucky game (not only was it an away game, but we were too broke to buy tickets or travel). Indiana won, so we all had happy faces as we turned to go home. This wasn't enough for one fan, however. In a beer-strengthened fit of celebration, he grabbed one of the hefty bar tables and flipped it on its side. Just like that, a bouncer came up behind him, took him by belt and collar, and extruded him out the nearest door. This was an emergency exit, so there was no handle on the other side to let the guy back in. I'm sure the expulsion took less than a second, total. When a bouncer gets a real chance to bounce, it's a sight to behold.

Lutherans are the reason that heaven has bouncers. The Baptists will never have a little too much to drink and the Episcopalians will never use their shrimp forks to pick up a piece of cheese that fell on the floor. But you gotta worry about those Lutherans.

The only way a Lutheran will get into this party is on a pass. What's more, the honest Lutherans know they're getting in on a pass. Sola Gratia.

Jesus says, "Aw, Dad; can't they come to the party? They're my friends. I promise they won't break anything."

And so Our Father decided to let even the Lutherans into heaven. But then He hired bouncers.